Click here to learn a deep philsophy

So, you want to know. You really think you're ready? Ready for a profund truth? You have to clear away all distractions. Turn off your iPod and focus. Ask yourself this one simple question: Where IS Waldo? Okay, I'm sensing a lot of you just frowned and closed this window, but if you read on you'll be rewarded. Everyone knows "Where's Waldo?" It's true, everyone does. But very few know the answer. I know. Where's Waldo is a series of books about the adventures of a 30-something year old traveler who stands in crowds and it's your job to find him. Big whoop, who cares? I'm guessing most of you have looked at one or two Waldo games, maybe a whole book if you've got a good attention span. I owned three Waldo books and have carefully perused many more. Waldo seems kind of dull when taken at face value, but you have to look past the red and white stripes and the quirky smile. The answer to the question "Where's Waldo?" is: "Right here." Waldo is a reflection of all of us. He embodies our oh-so human nature of insecurity. In all of his scenarios, Waldo is in the midst of chaos. He's been through wars, haunted amusement parks, chaotic zoos, fancy ballrooms, the list goes on. In each one, Waldo is just a simple person blending into the crowd. He doesn't want to stand out or become the life of the party. He just sits on the sidelines, where he knows he's safe. There is insecurity in all of us that makes us want to sink into the crowd. But it's not that Waldo is unhappy. He is always smiling, and he even has a small group of friends (a girlfriend, a dog, and a wizard buddy) but that's enough for him. He has an enemy(Odlaw, Waldo spelled backwards and looks like a yellow and black version of Waldo) but through it all Waldo just smiles. He never participates in the action. He never fights in the war, or swims in the ocean, or dances at a party. He just smiles. This may seem a bit pesimistic, that someone lives their life giving in to their insecurities, but when you think about it, if that's where you feel happiest, why not? He doesn't mind never being the hero. Waldo just enjoys being alive. He is acutally rather optimistic. For one thing, he completely ignores materialism. In all of his journeys he is constantly losing his stuff. Does that stop him from seeing the world? Or course not. By the end of the book, he's lost everything, but he doesn't put his life on hold to find them. He continues on, because Waldo knows, everything will just work out. Can't we all relate to Waldo? Isn't it better not to focus on everything you can't control and just live? I see Waldo in all of us. So the real question is this, "Where isn't Waldo?"

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An Ode to Death

What do you think happens,
whenever we die?
Do we party in heaven,
while all our friends cry?

Should my death be so sad,
that it breaks all the hearts
of my family and friends
when my soul departs?

No, I actually think
that it should bring joy.
So don't shed a tear
for the death of this boy.

There's an old weird tradition
but it's not strange to me.
There's a celebration of death
in my family.

When an old person croaks,
why should it be sad?
We can look back and laugh
at the life that they had.

They're with God now,
or so we believe.
They're not upset
so why should we grieve?

My great grandma's wake,
oh what a great day!
The grown-ups got drunk
while the kids would all play.

By the end of that day
there were no hearts to mend.
She had lived a long life,
but it came to and end.

And when my grandma died
just this past summer,
her card was up,
not really a bummer.

It brought a family together
and each one of us shared
our own favorite memory
of the living-impaired.

We laughed, it was fun,
and nobody cried.
It's a great way to deal
with a loved one who died.

So I know when I go,
I want my wake to kick ass.
No boring sermons
from a preacher at Mass.

Think of my life
and the memories to share.
Because I'll be "living" it up
and I'll see you up there.

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My favorite after school cartoon

Get ready for a flashback. From the years 1993 to 1998, I had to rush home after school to watch my favorite cartoon: The Animaniacs. God, I loved that show. Hell I STILL love that show. It's just too bad they stopped running the reruns. But come on, I think that show was popular enough. Where's the freakin DVD set??? Oh well, I saw every episode that show ever made, so I can replay them in my head if I want. Seriously, Animaniacs kicked ass. It came during a time beginning around '88-'89 known as the animation renaissance where cartoons began to gain in popularity, seeing the return of Disney, Warner Bros. entrance into animation, and the introduction of the cartoon icons, the Simpsons. You can probably see now that the age of cartoons is coming to an end, since the Simpsons should've given it up LONG ago before they got stale and annoying, and the fact that the future of animation is in computer graphics, not hand drawings. But in the midst of this cartoon popularity, Animaniacs came out at the height of animation's creative power. The cartoon starred the Warner brothers, Yakko and Wakko, and the Warner sister, Dot, as three former Warner Bros. film stars who were so crazy they had to be locked up in the Warner Bros. water tower. Of course, the trio escapes and wreak havoc on the studio lot. Hilarity ensues. The show also included a cast of characters not related to the Warners, who appeared in animated shorts throughout each episode, such as Pinky and the Brain (two lab mice bent on world domination), Rita and Runt(a stray cat and dog team looking for a home), Mindy and Buttons(an oblivious baby who walks into danger and her dog who has to continuosly save her), Katie Ka-Boom(an overemotional teenager who turns into a raging monster and explodes when she gets upset) among many others. Which was your favorite? The most popular was Pinky and the Brain. They eventually spawned their own spin-off show which was pretty good. My personal favorite was Slappy the Squirrel. Slappy was a former beautiful move star during the classic Hollywood golden age. She's now old and bitter, and sits alone at home and complains about television these days. Her life would be without any cheer if not for her peppy nephew, Skippy. Her adventures revolve around her and Skippy's battles with Slappy's old cartoon enemies. Each episode is full of intelligent, sarcastic commentary on modern television and movies, while at the same time catches cheap laughs at making fun of old people. A bit Roadrunner-esque, the old villains conjure various elaborate traps to kill Slappy, but of course, nobody beats the master. Slappy out-foxes them(or should I say out-squirrels them) each and every time. Skippy was also a common target for the bad guys, but he always saves himself by becoming so cute and innocent that the bad guy can't bring himself to off the little guy, which usually leads him into some kind of trap by Slappy. It was great. The whole Animaniacs show was simply outstanding. They had some of the best musical numbers of any show ever. Anybody remember when Yakko sang a song naming EVERY country in the world? Or when Wakko sang all fifty states and their capitals? I have to admit, that episode taught me state capitals better than any teacher or textbook. The show was so smart. They perfected the art of random pop culture references, an art to which Family Guy owes its success. It also included so much social satire that my parents even loved it. I wish I could go back and watch them all again so I could get many of the jokes I missed as a kid. Animaniacs was always funny, always smart, always creative, and it knew when to quit. The show left the air before beating the dead horse. It came, it saw, it conquered. And then it passed the torch to other cartoons, but unfortunately, they couldn't hold up to the Animaniac's greatness. For all these reasons and more, Animaniacs was my favorite after school cartoon. Oh, and I JUST read five seconds ago that it will be released this summer. There is a god.

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NERD! Hey buddy, you get a load of the nerd?

There is a certain subject I NEVER want to hear about ever again: Chuck freakin' Norris. There has recently been this huge running gag on the web where people make up facts about the amazing power and verility of Chuck Norris. I never thought Chuck Norris was cool, but the little quips had an interesting flare, and they caught on like the plague. But just let it go, people! Chuck Norris is old, Walker Texas Ranger was probably the gayest show ever on television, and he sucked even when he wasn't a washed up action hero hauking some piece of crap workout machine on late night infomercials. So stop sending me lists on facebook of the time Chuck Norris killed Jesus or impregnated a whale or whatever, and stop trying to come up with new ones. I swear, it's like when a toddler does something that makes you laugh, so then the kid does it again and again until you just have to tell him to stop. You bastards ruined Napoleon with your shit, endlessly parroting every line of the film. I understand that you aren't funny or clever, but reciting the dialogue of Napoleon Dynamite just showcases how pathetic your life is, and not in the way that will garner pity, just contempt. But you know, I'm a nice guy. I see that your heart is in the right place, you just want to make people laugh. Can't blame you for that. So here's a list of things to do to help you quit being an annoying jackass. The next time you feel like telling someone about Chuck Norris or quoting Napoleon Dynamite just do the following:

1. Stop and think about what you're going to say.

2. Imagine the world if you don't make this reference.

3. Shoot yourself in the face.

These three steps should please others, and also improve your social life, which probably consists of either public harrassment and daily beatings or complete isolation in your parents' basement. Either way, any change would be an improvement.

I'm kidding, though. I kid because I love. Because really, I'm a nerd at heart. I dig video games, I think trivial facts about the world are interesting, Monty Python and the Holy Grail is hilarious, and slutty girls scare the HELL out of me. And I get along with nerds well. I understand their humor and I can play into that. Besides, where would we be without nerds? They've made the greatest contributions to medicine and scientific research. Their computer skills have revolutionized the transfer of information, made our lives easier with robotic engineering, and given us countless hours of entertainment with advancements in video games and cinema. Nerds have also given comic smart asses like me endless material (i.e. this whole blog post). And most of them are really nice and will help you with your homework if you just ask. It's sad when they try to dish out pop culture just to fit in. If the nerd just acknowledges the fact that he is, in fact, a nerd, then he could be a lot happier and wouldn't have to try so hard. Nerds can have cool friends. I mean come on, we all have that one nerdy friend who hangs out with our group. You know the one I'm talking about, he's nobody's BEST friend, but we all like him enough. My nerdy friend's name is Hirtz. Hirtz says nerdy things that make him the butt of everyone's jokes, but he takes it in stride as it's all in good fun. He tries to party like the rest of us, but just doesn't seem to get it. He's a bit awkward in social situations, but when we all get together for a party, it's always, "Oh yeah, we gotta call Hirtz." And it usually goes something like this:
*ring ring* -Hello?
-Hey Hirtz, it's me. What are you doing?
-Reading about Cecil Rhodes. Did you know he had his own African country supported just by diamond mining?
-Uhh...no, I didn't know that.
-It's now the present day Debeers company!
-Yeah, cool. Want to come party with us?
-Sure, who is this?
-What??? It's Steve.
-Oh, Steve, Hi. Sure, I'll come right over.
-Wait, Hirtz! It's only 6 o'clock.
But it's too late, he's already hung up and coming over to my house. But oh well. He's a nerd, but he's one of our guys. He's hopeless, but he's our friend.

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It's my religion, not my lifestyle

When was the last time you prayed? Not like reciting an old prayer, but spoke to God in your own words. I'm not about to go Brother Jeb on you, so hear me out. Last week, I went to church. It had been a year and half since I had been. Having been through Catholic schools all my life, and NEVER went a week without going to church since I was born, religion was always a part of my life. When I came up to Mizzou and wasn't obligated to go to church with my family, I simply stopped going. There was nothing wrong with my life that I was rebelling against God, I just got lazy and didn't care enough to go. But recently, something has been nagging at me. In the back of my mind, I felt like I was missing something. So last Sunday, I staggered out of bed at 6:30 in the morning, with only 2 hours of sleep, hung over as hell, and made the walk to church. Let me tell you, it was a bit surreal. It was cold, with a sharp chilly wind. It was overcast and just barely snowing. The whole world seemed gray. There was hardly any cars out and no people were walking the sidewalks. I can't describe the feeling, but it felt wierd. Then I sat through church. I never participate when I go; I don't sing or chant the prayers, but it's enough just to show up. After it was over, I went home and went back to bed. I learned something though. I can not deny the virtues that were given to me. I'm not a religious person really. The laws of the church don't govern my life. I drink, I smoke, and (Brother Jeb, if you're reading this, skip the next couple of words) I've even fornicated!!! *cue dramatic DUM-DUM-DUMMMM!!!!! But dammit, I was born a Catholic and I'll die a Catholic. It's true what they say, nobody ever gets away from the Catholic church. If you were raised on it, you're stuck. Even though I think the church has so many ridiculous rules, the bottom line for me is, "Just try to be a good boy, Steve. That's all you can do." And for that, I returned to my church.

Now, with that said, here's my most HATED aspect of church: Jesus-kids. You guys know those kids who think it's super cool to think of Jesus in every aspect of life? OH MAN, those people piss me off. It's like they go to mass to scout out young people who aren't already in their clique, and try to recruit them. Hey Saint Loser, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Just because I go to church doesn't mean I want to be your apostle. Youth groups are lame, Christian Rock SUCKS, and the Bible is not an authority on modern issues! I don't know why these kids decided to wage a crusade of Christ against me, but I just want to go to church. Don't preach to me. I don't want your beliefs, I have my own. Not only that, but they put such a negative face on religion in general, and turn those off who might someday join a church. Example: Brother Jeb is the product of the absolute worst that religion can do to a person. No one takes him seriously except other crazies just like him, so his sermons are all in total vain, and even though I laugh at him, when you think about it, it's just kind of sad really. Did his parents inflict this upon him, or has he done it to himself? Either way, that guy's spiralled so far down into it, and he's SO close-minded, he really is beyond help. But you know, I don't have that big a problem with it. To each his own. At that, I'd like to leave you with a quote. As I began this post with a question on prayer, I'd like to refer back to that. An old friend, the most foul-mouthed, drunk, son of a bitch and devoted Catholic you'll ever find, once said this to me on prayer:

"It's important to pray, boy. In order to converse with an equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God."

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Thumbs down for electricity

How many of you have ever been electricuted? I don't mean a little shock from an electric guitar or something little like that. But really got your ass lit up by electricity? I have, several times. First of all, I believe I have some kind of wierd electric current in my body because I ALWAYS get static shocks. Every time I touch metal, be it doorknobs or silverware or my keys, I never get away without a shock. I've even been struck "down there" when it comes in contact with my zipper, talk about being completely immobilized! And not just the little blips you're probably thinking of, I get static shocks that literally cause me to shout "AH!!" and I have to stop and recover for a few seconds. They're really loud for static shocks, and whenever people are around they always remark about how loud that shock was. Last week, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and when I touched the doorknob, I got such a bad shock that my roommate actually saw the light flash up in the dark room and asked, "What was that?" I was still kind of rattled but I said, "I got shocked again." And of course, he was amazed, "Dude! That lit up the whole room!"
But that's not the extent of my problem, I've been electricuted in the past. I lived on a livestock farm and we have all these electric fences to keep the animals in. Sometimes my dad would reroute the fences and not tell me. And they're just thin little wires that you don't really notice if you don't know they're there. So I would go walking along and walk right into the fence, and get shocked, once to the point where I vomited. The worst was probably the time my cousin unplugged a street light. I don't know why he did, but I tried to plug it back in. The outlet was in the dark, so I had to hold the plug and poke around. The last thing I remember, I saw a flash of light, but my cousin said a huge spark erupted, I jumped up and then stumbled around for like ten steps, and then fell. I passed out and then woke up about a minute later. I had this wierd twitch thing going on that lasted the next hour or so and for some reason, I had the worst metallic taste in my mouth, like I had a mouthful of pennies. It made me spit and gag uncontrollably. So that was a pretty bad one. But on Tuesday, I got another big jolt. I was in my room, just took a shower, and tried to turn on my stereo, but my roommate had unplugged it to put in his phone charger. You're going to think I'm just an idiot and that I'm sticking my fingers into the outlet or something, but no, I assure you, I'm very careful about electricity. Louie the Lightning Bug taught me well, if you guys remember that old cartoon public service. I had to reach behind the drawers to unplug the charger, and when I went to plug in the stereo, I got such a shock and such a surge of pain that I lost my balance and stumbled back, knocking over a laundry hamper. As I was already pretty much on the floor, I sat down to recover and my nose started bleeding really bad. It was wierd, I've never had a nosebleed before. So as you can see, I have had more than my fair share of close calls with this stuff. I've never met another person where electricity is a major recurring problem in their life. Does anyone else have this trouble?

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Superbowl Flop

Sunday evening I had to work at my job at the Rec Center. I didn't get to do anything fun for the Superbowl, but I really wasn't that excited about it anyway, so it was fine. But the best part was that NO ONE was there. We have a TV on the wall near where I work, so I did get to watch the game. It was the easiest shift ever. Unfortunately for the Rec Center Event staff, they had guessed that people would be there. They had planned a big Super Bowl watch party in the Tiger Grotto, with snacks, prize giveaways, a huge screen projecting the game, and even a live DJ. As soon as I heard of this, I went to the Event staff and told them, "Nobody's gonna come to this. It's going to be a total failure." Of course, it was just like the old cliche scene in movies where the one scientist figures out that the world is gonna end and he brings his findings to the people in charge and they dismiss him. You know what I'm talking about? And they always kick him out while he's yelling about, "You have to listen to me!!!" Well that's exactly what happened to me. I told them it would be an utter failure and they sent me away. Now, I hate to say I told you so. BUT I FREAKING TOLD THEM SO! Nobody came, they threw away so much food, they cancelled the DJ, never gave away any prizes, and the Event Staff was just sitting around feeling stupid. The lady in charge who I had talked to came out of the "party" and said to me, "man, looks like a small turnout." and I replied, "Yeah, who would've thought?" She was pissed. I was satisfied.

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Dude, my roommate is Han Solo

I had a great roommate first semester. His name is Dale Ley. Dale is nice and funny, and he will always help you whenever he can. Not much of a party-goer, but an all-around cool guy. As he turned 21 last semester (which was awesome for me as you can guess why), he figured it was way past time to move out of the dorms. So he moved into an apartment this semester and over Christmas break I could only wonder who would be the new kid to live with me. Well the semester came and my new roommate is named Alex. It's kind of eerie, but of all the hundred of kids applying for new dorms, I got a kid from my high school's rival and he knows like all my friends! But Alex is cool. He has this attitude about him that's kind of arrogant, kind of laid back, kind of a bad ass. It reminded me so much of someone but for the first couple weeks I couldn't put my finger on it. Then one day it just hit me. My roommate is Han Solo. If you don't know who I'm talking about check out this on Wikipedia. I admit, I'm a Star Wars fan, (not quite geek enough to know all aspects of Star Wars, but I've seen the movies like a schmillion times) so when I say he's like Han Solo, this guy is DEFINATELY like Han Solo. First of all, he has a girlfriend, and most of the time he talks to her like he doesn't even like her. But really, he just doesn't put up with her girly drama crap. But then, for seemingly no reason at all, he'll go and do something so charming she'll just melt. If that ain't Han Solo, I don't know what is. And then he's got an arrogance about him. Not so bad that it repulses people, but rather draws others in, kind of like, "Who is this guy that he knows he's the shit?" And of course, he doesn't disappoint. He's totally laid back, he has like tests coming up on him, and he's like, "eh, I know it enough," and he's right. He passes with flying colors. He's the cool guy at parties but not the center of attention, my roommate IS Han Solo. Also, just by coincidence, in all honesty, (not that I'm proud of this, and sorry girls but you might be grossed out) but I'm probably one of the hairiest guys you'll ever meet! Just like Han's wingman, Chewbacca! It's so cool! I've already gotten us into some sticky situations (of which I'm sure to write about later in this blog) and he sticks by me every step of the way. Steve and Alex, Han and Chewie: the adventures await us.

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NOT up to par

66 to 53. You know, Texas is ranked 7th so I thought Mizzou actually had a shot at winning last night's game. But when a team plays basketball like the Tigers last night, they can't expect to put up much of a chance. It's not like the effort wasn't there, Texas is just a better team. But is that to say Texas is really all that great? Football? Yes. Basketball, not so much. But Mizzou is the premier school in Missouri. Is this the best our state has to offer? I was there, Mizzou students have as much spirit as anybody, and really love their team. But by the end of the game, the fire in everyone's hearts was all but extinguished. And how are we going to expect valuable recruits when the athletics program just isn't what it's supposed to be? It's odd, a bit of a spiraling effect. The best players want to go to successful teams and they get better, while the worse teams get less talented players, and stay mediocre while other schools get better and better. Not that Mizzou is beyond saving. There's a lot of buzz about Quin Snyder leaving, and a new coach is always grounds for renewed hope.

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