NERD! Hey buddy, you get a load of the nerd?

There is a certain subject I NEVER want to hear about ever again: Chuck freakin' Norris. There has recently been this huge running gag on the web where people make up facts about the amazing power and verility of Chuck Norris. I never thought Chuck Norris was cool, but the little quips had an interesting flare, and they caught on like the plague. But just let it go, people! Chuck Norris is old, Walker Texas Ranger was probably the gayest show ever on television, and he sucked even when he wasn't a washed up action hero hauking some piece of crap workout machine on late night infomercials. So stop sending me lists on facebook of the time Chuck Norris killed Jesus or impregnated a whale or whatever, and stop trying to come up with new ones. I swear, it's like when a toddler does something that makes you laugh, so then the kid does it again and again until you just have to tell him to stop. You bastards ruined Napoleon with your shit, endlessly parroting every line of the film. I understand that you aren't funny or clever, but reciting the dialogue of Napoleon Dynamite just showcases how pathetic your life is, and not in the way that will garner pity, just contempt. But you know, I'm a nice guy. I see that your heart is in the right place, you just want to make people laugh. Can't blame you for that. So here's a list of things to do to help you quit being an annoying jackass. The next time you feel like telling someone about Chuck Norris or quoting Napoleon Dynamite just do the following:

1. Stop and think about what you're going to say.

2. Imagine the world if you don't make this reference.

3. Shoot yourself in the face.

These three steps should please others, and also improve your social life, which probably consists of either public harrassment and daily beatings or complete isolation in your parents' basement. Either way, any change would be an improvement.

I'm kidding, though. I kid because I love. Because really, I'm a nerd at heart. I dig video games, I think trivial facts about the world are interesting, Monty Python and the Holy Grail is hilarious, and slutty girls scare the HELL out of me. And I get along with nerds well. I understand their humor and I can play into that. Besides, where would we be without nerds? They've made the greatest contributions to medicine and scientific research. Their computer skills have revolutionized the transfer of information, made our lives easier with robotic engineering, and given us countless hours of entertainment with advancements in video games and cinema. Nerds have also given comic smart asses like me endless material (i.e. this whole blog post). And most of them are really nice and will help you with your homework if you just ask. It's sad when they try to dish out pop culture just to fit in. If the nerd just acknowledges the fact that he is, in fact, a nerd, then he could be a lot happier and wouldn't have to try so hard. Nerds can have cool friends. I mean come on, we all have that one nerdy friend who hangs out with our group. You know the one I'm talking about, he's nobody's BEST friend, but we all like him enough. My nerdy friend's name is Hirtz. Hirtz says nerdy things that make him the butt of everyone's jokes, but he takes it in stride as it's all in good fun. He tries to party like the rest of us, but just doesn't seem to get it. He's a bit awkward in social situations, but when we all get together for a party, it's always, "Oh yeah, we gotta call Hirtz." And it usually goes something like this:
*ring ring* -Hello?
-Hey Hirtz, it's me. What are you doing?
-Reading about Cecil Rhodes. Did you know he had his own African country supported just by diamond mining?
-Uhh...no, I didn't know that.
-It's now the present day Debeers company!
-Yeah, cool. Want to come party with us?
-Sure, who is this?
-What??? It's Steve.
-Oh, Steve, Hi. Sure, I'll come right over.
-Wait, Hirtz! It's only 6 o'clock.
But it's too late, he's already hung up and coming over to my house. But oh well. He's a nerd, but he's one of our guys. He's hopeless, but he's our friend.