7 reasons why Bruce Lee kicked ass

This is the last thing you will see before you crap your pants and die.

God, I wish Bruce Lee was still around. And before I get comments about any significance of Jackie Chan or his monkeyish successor, Jet Li, let me just say that Bruce Lee could punch both of those circus acrobats right out of show business. So as we can all agree that Bruce Lee is the only notable Asian ever in action movies, or really the only one in any kind of multinational entertainment, let's examine reasons why Bruce Lee kicked ass.


1. His nickname is "The Dragon." Bruce Lee is the only person in the history of human existence cool enough to pull off such a nickname. Other action heroes could only dream of such badassity, such as Arnold Schwarzeneggar mockingly known as "the Governator" or Sylvestor Stallone known as "the douchebag that made Judge Dread."


2. His stunts have become legendary. He once side-kicked a 150 lb. punching bag in half. And he also did one-handed pushups using only two fingers. Don't believe me? It has since gone down as legend, but check the facts. It happened. He could have just as well kicked you in half, and then thrown Jean Claude Van Damme through a car windshield.


3. You can actually understand him when he talks.
"EET'S NOT AH TOO-MUH!" -Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Kindergarden Cop
"Well, den yeh gan tell Bai-zon det I'm cah-ming fer heem." -Jean Claude Van Damme, Street Fighter
"Ceh-na you onner stan deh wuds det ah coming out of my mouf?" -Jackie Chan, Rush Hour
"I weew be deh wahn." -Jet Li, The One
And Vin Diesel's obvious attempts to conjure up an image of manliness lead him to speak in such low octaves that dialogue can only be discerned with the use of a seismograph. Is it really that difficult for Hollywood to find someone who can fight and talk? Is there no one out there who can do this? There was, Bruce Lee.


4. He made martial arts cool. I don't know about you guys, but when I think of martial arts I think of nerdy little twerps in karate outfits grunting in a gym, oh sorry I mean "Dojo", for some Asian immigrant who figured out that ignorant Americans will pay good money to any Asian for karate lessons. Never mind that three weeks ago the guy was cutting off fish heads in Hong Kong. But Bruce Lee could do martial arts with such fury, and at the same time such grace, that it made Kung Fu something other than what 10 year old geeks try to learn to stop the daily ass-whippings from schoolyard bullies. Face it, when Bruce Lee twirls nunchuks, you want to see how much more amazing he can be. When little Scotty twirls nunchucks, you want to see him crack his skull open.


5. Bruce Lee doesn't need people making up random ridiculous facts about him to proclaim his greatness. His films and life's work speak for themselves. So while Chuck Norris has supposedly roundhouse kicked someone into another dimension, Bruce Lee really has knocked out a man with a 1 inch punch (a blow with no draw-back, just holding the fist one inch away from the target). Chuck Norris isn't good enough to stand in the same fighting-ring as Bruce Lee, which is lucky for Chuck since anyone who ever stepped in the ring with Bruce Lee was rendered unable to bear children for life.


6. He was a real life David vs. Goliath. Bruce Lee defied all expectations and excelled at whatever he put his mind to. Keep in mind, he was tiny, only 5'7" 135 lbs. but he wasn't afraid to fight ANYBODY. Not only did Bruce Lee defeat opponents towering over him in REAL, UNSTAGED martial arts tournaments, but he overcame the long-standing stereotype that Asian men at that time were expected to be meek, polite house servants, and instead exploded into the film industry as a an action hero with the most electrifying fight scenes to ever appear on screen. And unlike David, Bruce Lee doesn't decapitate his victims. Bruce Lee leaves them to rot as they lay, as they are unworthy of the effort it would take to disgrace them.


7. All of his movies revolve around him kicking people's asses. No campy filler about saving the world, or something lame like that. His last movie, "Game of Death" is about a treasure at the top of a pagoda. Fight your way to the top and get the treasure. Simple as that, now let's go. See? It makes for a great movie. Not only that but he beats the crap out of Karim Abdul Jabir at the end. Thank god somebody got around to knocking that oaf out. But seriously, I don't care if the only hope is Keanu Reeves saving the planet from ultimate destruction. Bruce Lee's take on movies was: This guy is bad so I'll destroy him. They just don't make Kung Fu movies like they used to. Here's to you, Bruce. I hope that one day, we'll meet in heaven. And you'll kick my ass.

Bruce Lee is all that is MAN.